I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
