I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
