In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
