I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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