I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
