8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
