The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
