I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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