**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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