yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
