Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize