update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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