I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
