i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
