woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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