His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
