I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
