I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
