If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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