drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
