I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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