Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
