I wish I only lived at night.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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