You smell like a Billy Joel song
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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