Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We need a shit load of segways right now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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