So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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