Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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