Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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