my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
