i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She bit a glass in half.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
