If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
