can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
