today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
