True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
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If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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