i think my mom watched the whole time
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Life is so much better after having sex.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
