I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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