Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
