My sheets look like a crime scene.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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