dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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