So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
