Little spoons don't ask big questions
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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