I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
