omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
