At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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