maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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