I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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