guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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