life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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