I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
