Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
