If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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