New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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