did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
