New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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