His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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