Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You have to summon your inner elephant
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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