I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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