I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think I died a long time ago.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
