final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
